A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
