You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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