mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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