I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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