we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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