Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We are two peas in an std pod
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
