Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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