someone threw a dead crab at me
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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