Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
