Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
