some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
