dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
