I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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