dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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