was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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