I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
