After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
