well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
