she was so not down for the gang bang
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
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I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
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No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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