Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
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So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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