at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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