dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
