He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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