Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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