You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
