Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
