Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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