my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
