if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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