is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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