One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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