No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
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Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
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Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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