Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
