please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
