my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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