I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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