So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
