You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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