I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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