I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
