Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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