her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
