I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
