I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
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Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
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If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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