The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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