I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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