man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
