I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
