It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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