Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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