They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
