take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
