and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
