toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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