your thong is hanging out like whoa
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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