you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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