Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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